Queen Heffer
by RockHead South Park
Summary: In the 1930s Renowned film student Wendy Testaburger finds herself in danger of failing Mr Merrill's class. Desperate for a passing grade she assembles a film crew and heads an expedition to Mocha Island a land home to a tribe of Amazons who worship a fearsome goddess they call Heffer. When the beastly beauty falls in love with Cartman it won't end well for him. Based on King Kong.
1. Chapter 1

All characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional all celebrity voices are impersonated poorly. this story contains coarse language and due to it's content should not be read by anyone.

[B&W title card.]

Rockhead1989 productions presents a South Park fan fiction story.]

QUEEN HEFFER!

Starring Eric FAY Cartman as the fatass in distress.

Kyle Broflovski as the intrepid jew.

Stan Marsh as the drunk captain.

Wendy Testaburger as the hotshot film producer.

Butters, Tweek, Ze Mole, Clyde, Token, Kevin, Jimmy, Timmy, and Dogpoo as the crew.

Kenny Mccormick as the guy that gets eaten by Heffer.

Also Starring the South Park Elementary school Girls list committee as the Sunshine sparkle tribe.

And Starring QUEEN HEFFER as Herself.

Krista "Heffer" Scott is the property of Askheffer . 

Our Story begins in a black and white 1930s version of South Park Elementary where Wendy Testaburger is giving a presentation to Mr Merrill.

Mr Merrill: [Bored] "Alright Wendy what have you got for me this week?"

Wendy: "Well Mr Merrill I was at the bookstore yesterday afternoon doing some research on flora and fauna when I came across this. [She takes out a old book and places it on Mr Merrill's desk.] This is the diary of one Jerome McElroy a cook on a merchant ship the SS Gloryhole Adventurer. In it he tells of an island in the South pacific Mocha Island where there are beasts beyond man's most terrifying nightmares.

Mr Merrill: [Yawns.] And what exactly do you want of me?

Wendy: "I've already had a ship and a captain in mind all I need is a little money for expenses and I'm sure we could produce a ground breaking educational documentary on the plant and animal life on the island.

Mr Merrill: "Wendy how can say this without sounding too insensitive? That was the gayest thing I've heard all week."

Wendy: "What's wrong with it Mr Merrill?"

Mr Merrill: "Kids these days don't want educational films they want adventure, action, romance titties! not gay little films about flowers. Take Craig for example. [He pulls down a screen and takes a film can out of a closet and puts it into a projector.] His new film Freaks of nature up close with a wide angle lens is selling like hotcakes.

Craig: "Freaks closeup with a wide angle lens."

[Carnival music plays as a montage of people with various deformities and diseases plays onscreen Human torsos, Pinheads, Nurse Gollum, The Thompsons, you get the idea.]

Wendy: "That's horrible Craig's just exploiting people who have serious medical conditions for entertainment."

Mr Merrill: [Shuts off the projector.] "but it's what the kids want Wendy. If you were to bring me an adventure film maybe I might be persuaded otherwise."

Wendy: [Sighs] "Mr Merrill, I will bring you that adventure film."

[Cuts to the docks Where Stan and Kyle are preparing their boat for the expedition. Wendy walks up to them camera in hand.]

Wendy: "Is everything all set and ready to go?"

Stan: "We've finished loading the cargo and rations and the crew is ready to set sail, Have you got everything you need?"

Wendy: "As soon as our leading man Gregory arrives we'll be ready."

[Clyde walks up to Wendy.]

Clyde: "He's not coming."

Wendy: "What?"

Clyde: "Gregory couldn't make it, his mom says he's got polio."

[Stan laughs his ass off.}

Kyle: "Dude that's not cool this is the thirties polio isn't funny yet."

Stan: "Yeah but still." [He wipes a tear from his eye.]

Clyde: "Dude just don't laugh it's not cool."

Jimmy: "Y-yeah I'm talking from p-p-personal experience p-p-polio is not f-funny."

Stan: [Looks at Jimmy with guilt.] "Oh Oh oh that's right I forgot you and Timmy have polio. Ooh my bad guys my bad."

Wendy: "Look that's not important right now Ooo ooo my bad I didn't mean it to come out like that."

Kyle: "Yeah we're done with that joke now."

Jimmy: "I think I better go down below deck."

Stan: "Yeah probably a good idea."

[Jimmy walks off stage right.]

Wendy: "Okay are we done with that? Good now back the problem at hand I need an actor to play the part of the intrepid hero."

Stan: "I-I can't my doctor says my asthma could get worse from doing that sort of stuff."

Tweek: "It's way too much pressure."

Token: "It's the thirties the black guy always dies first."

Clyde: "I get camera shy"

Kyle: "I'm diabetic."

Wendy: "Isn't there anyone who can do it?"

[Cartman walks up to the docks singing a jaunty tune.]

Cartman: "I love to singa about the moona and the joona and the springa I to singa about a sky of blue or tea for too. Hey guys is this the job offering for a leading man I heard about?"

Stan: "Cartman?

Cartman: "Who were you expecting Kate Smith? Just kidding Kate." [He femininely gestures to the camera and blows a kiss.]

Kenny: ("When I saw you coming up the ramp at first yes.)

[Everyone laughs at him.]

Cartman: [Crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.] "Ha ha I haven't heard that one a million times before. So is the all you can eat buffet inclusive or does it cost extra?"

Wendy: "Cartman this is a roll for a husky leading man."

Cartman: "Are you saying I'm not husky ho?"

Stan: "He's got a point."

Clyde: "Yeah and where else are we gonna get a leading man replacement this soon?"

Wendy: "But look at him he's so fat!"

Cartman: "Ay I'm a man and your a woman and this being the 1930s you don't have a say in the matter."

Wendy: "Shut your sexist fat mouth women are powerful in the 1930s."

Cartman: "Since when?"

Wendy: "Since Amelia Earhart asshole!"

Cartman: "Pffth Yeah we all know how that turned out. rrrrrrrraaaaaaaowwwwww pow! [He makes a plane crash gesture.]

Wendy: [clenches her fists and grinds her teeth in frustration and then takes a deep breath and calmly replies.] "You know what? "Have fun being ape bait Cartman you got the job." [She walks off humming a tune to herself even doing a skip.]

[The Boys look at Wendy like WTF]

[Cuts to the ship sailing through the ocean.]

[Clyde, Token, Tweek, Scott Malkinson, and Kyle are standing on the deck talking about the island.]

Scott: "Ssso any of you guysss know anything about thisss island were going to?"

Kyle: "Stan and I talked it over with Wendy and she said learned about it from O'l Chef's diary."

Clyde: "Chef? Our old ships cook chef? That chef?"

Kyle: "Yeah He wrote in his diary that Mocha island was the most fudged up flippidy floppidy flooped up place he'd ever been to."

Token: "O'l Chef sure had a way with words what exactly did he say was on the island?"

Kyle: "Something about a tribe of amazons that worshipped some strange deity they called Heffer. Story goes that they were so afraid of them that they walled their village out and kept her appeased with ritualistic sacrifice."

Tweek: "SACRIFICE? OH SWEET JESUS! WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO SACRIFICE ONE OF US?"

Kyle: "Calm down Tweek It's probably just a story."

Scott: "Ssso how does the rest of the story go?"

Kyle: "Well according to Chef's diary the females would select one of the men in the village adorn him with fine robes, honor him with a great feast until he was nice and plump and treat him like a king and then sacrifice him to their Goddess."

[Cuts to Cartman in his room. He stands in front of a mirror with his shirt off giving us a good view of his belly and man boobs.]

Cartman: "Look at you Mr Stud muffin yeah that's right ladies I'm a movie star. Yeah that's right I could get you an audition."

[Butters comes into the room and screams upon seeing Cartman without his shirt on. Cartman sees him and screams back.]

Cartman: [Covers his chest.] "Butters What did I tell you about knocking before coming into my cabin?"

Butters: "I-I'm sorry Eric I just wanted to know if maybe you wanted to rehearse your lines or something since it's been a few weeks and we haven't rehearsed at all for the film?"

Cartman: "Butters I told you last week I'd rehearse when we got there."

Butters: "Yeah but's just that we're gonna be at the island tomorrow and you still don't know any of your lines."

Cartman: "Agh fine I'll be right out in a minute now just give me some privacy already!" [He pushes Butters out the door and shuts it.] "I swear Butters and Seamen don't mix heh heh heh he heh ha haha ha ha hah hah. [He grabs his sides and falls down laughing at his joke.]

[Outside Butters listens to him laughing.]

Butters: "Huh? Guess it's supposed to be a really funny scene."

[Up on the bridge Stan and Wendy discuss the expedition.]

Wendy: "So I've been looking at Chef's old maps and I think I've found the spots where I want to film. I was thinking we could come ashore here near the village I want to get some shots of the natives and learn something about their customs. Then I think we could trek up Mocha Mountain here get some footage of the flora and Fauna."

Stan: "Alright we'll need about a company of 30 men plus filming equipment, plus guns for protection. [He takes a last swig of Jamison and throws the bottle on the ground.] Oh and another case of Jamison. Burp."

Wendy: "This isn't gonna be a big game hunt Stan we're just going there to film the natives and the wildlife and then head back."

Stan: "What about this Goddess Chef talks about Heffer?"

Wendy: "Probably nothing but superstition."

Stan: "I'm not sending my men ashore on an uncharted island without protection. Chef went there with a crew several years ago and when he came back he was the only one left, And he wanted to have sex with all of us. "

Wendy: "Stan It'll be fine I assure you nothing will go wrong."

Stan: "If you say so."

[Cuts to the next morning as Mocha Island comes into view. The island's main feature is the large mountain in the center and a small village sealed off from the rest of the island by a wall.]

Jason: "Land Ho Mocha Island in Sight."

[The boats whistle sounds as the crew comes up on deck.]

Wendy: "Wow it's incredible."

Stan: "Prepare the long boats we're going ashore!"

[The kids load up the long boats and head ashore.]

Butters: "Wow this is exciting huh Eric!"

[Cartman is dressed in an explorers outfit and sipping a drink.]

Cartman: "Yeah it's alright I guess the sooner we get done shooting the sooner I can get back to being a real star."

Wendy: "Being a star isn't all girls and glamour Cartman I expect to get my money's' worth out of you."

Cartman: "Yeah yeah Ho I'll deliver a performance as long as you deliver my paycheck."

[The long boats come ashore and the crew unpacks and wades ashore on the beach while off in a nearby village a group of amazon girls preform a ritualistic dance while a very fat boy dressed in fine robes and a crown is brought up to a sacrificial altar in front of a massive gate and tied to it.]

Girls: [Chanting in unison.] Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle.]

[The explorers move up slowly close to the village to get a better look.]

Stan: "What are they doing?"

Kyle: "It's some kind of bizarre ritual."

Wendy: [Takes out the camera and begins rolling.]

Girls: [Chanting.] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle." [Accompanied by drums and dance.]

Butters: "What are they gonna do to that boy?"

Clyde: "I think he's going to be sacrificed."

Tweek: "ARGH I DON'T WANT TO BE SACRIFICED THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" [His voice echoes through the jungle.]

[The girls stop dancing and turn towards them. The high priestess played by Bebe in an elaborate feather headdress and ceremonial bikini points to them.]

Amazon Bebe: "Intruders get them now!"

[The Girls pull out spears and shields and charge at the explorers.]

Stan: "Oh shit prepare to fire."

[The Boy's draw their guns and prepare to fire when suddenly the girls stop lower the weapons and bow down right at Cartman's feet.]

Kyle: "Wait hold your fire hold your fire they're giving up!"

Cartman: "I'll handle this ahem We noble white men we come to civilize you we take your land and sell you into slavery!"

Amazon Bebe: [Walks over to them. She towers over them their heads only coming up to her waist.] "You outsiders have spoiled our ritual by seeing it. Now our Goddess shall be angry."

Kyle: "How are you speaking English?"

Amazon Bebe: "We use Rosetta stone."

Stan: "So much for being isolated."

Amazon Bebe: "Normally our laws dictate we kill the females and take the males for Snu snu but we shall make you a deal."

Wendy: "A deal?"

Amazon Bebe: "We want the fat one in your group. We'll trade six of our finest men for him."

Cartman: "Well I'm flattered really I am but unlike you savage ho's we are a civilized people and we don't believe in..."

Wendy: "Deal."

Stan: "Deal."

Kyle: "Deal."

Kenny: "(Deal)"

Clyde: "Deal."

Kevin: "Deal."

Token: "Deal

Tweek: [Pulls his hair.] "Argh Deal!"

Scott: "Deal"

Jimmy: "D-D-D-Deal!"

Timmy: "TIMMY!"

Cartman: "Aw screw you guys!"

Wendy: "Since we've already seen it is it alright if we film the ritual."

[The Amazons look at each other and Bebe shrugs.]

Amazon Red: "I don't don't see problem with it."

Amazon Annie: "Yeah it's just like Britney Spears if you think about it."

[The ritual begins as Cartman is lead to a table and sat down before a great feast."]

Bebe: "First we serve a great feast to make sure the offering is nice and plump."

Cartman: "If you think I'm gonna let you fatten me up just so can kill me you've got another thing... [Amazon Lola puts a giant bucket of fried chicken with biscuits gravy and macaroni and cheese.] "Ooh Colonel! [He begins peeling off the skins and dipping them in gravy before eating them.}

[Cuts to later when Cartman has finished his meal. His stomach bulges out of his shirt and his plates are loaded with bones.]

Cartman: "Ugh so full."

[Amazon Heidi and Amazon Nicole pick him up by the arms and carry him up to the altar. They strip the other boy they were going to sacrifice and strip off Cartman's clothes before dressing him in a red speedo and putting the robes and crown on him.]

Cartman: "You Guys seriously get me down from here I don't want to be a star anymore."

Amazon Bebe: "Alright let's take this from the top people...and begin!"

[Amazon Jenny rings a gong and Amazon Lola and Amazon Milly begin a drumbeat.]

Girls: [Slowly] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle."]

Cartman: "Okay Wendy I think that's enough footage for today."

Girls: [Faster] "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle."

Cartman: "You guys seriously I am seriously getting pissed off right here!"

[The crew continues to film the ceremony.]

Kyle: "Should we be sitting back and letting them do this guys?"

Clyde: "I'm not too fond of dying plus Cartman's been kind of a douche on this voyage."

Tweek: "Y-yeah it's either him or us man."

Kyle: "What do you think Kenny?"

[Kenny is cozying up to Amazon Tammy Warner who's holding him close to her chest.]

Kenny: ["Whoo Hoo.]

Cartman: "You guys I'm serious get me down from here!"

[The ritual reaches a crescendo.]

Girls: "Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer!"

Cartman: "Heffer?"

Stan: "What are they talking about?"

Kyle: "Heffer is the name of the Goddess of this island the one they're sacrificing him too."

Girls: "Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer Heffer."

[A great rumble shakes the village and stops the chant as the Amazons flee the ceremony. The jungle canopy rustles and shakes with thunderous footfalls as something massive moves through it. The footfalls get louder and deeper as they move closer to the gate. The amazons open the latch on the front and flee as the footsteps get closer.]

Cartman: [Sweats and soils himself.] "You guys I'm serious I'm sorry I was dick to you all on the ride over here I alright I'm sorry I...[Cartman is cut off by the most terrifying roar man or boy as ever heard. The great opens and the shadow of a great beast towers over Cartman: "OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS THAT THING?" [Cartman gives in to outright screaming, bawling and pants wetting.]

Amazon Bebe: "Wow usually our sacrifices show much more dignity."

[The crew looks on in horror as the true form of Heffer is revealed.]

Wendy: "Butters are you getting this?"

Butters: "I'm getting it but I don't believe it!"

[Cartman finally faints from fear and exhaustion as a titanic Mocha skinned freckled hand reaches for him and plucks off the altar before lumbering back into the jungle.]

To Be Continued.


	2. Chapter 2

All Characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional All Celebrity voices are impersonated poorly This story contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.

[The intrepid crew watch in awe as the beast the natives call Heffer lumbers back into the jungle. We don't get to see her just yet because I'm not ready to show her yet. Besides we all know what Heffer really looks like so what's the point?]

Kyle: "Dude did you see that?"

Stan: "Did I? It's unbelievable a beast more terrifying than I could possibly imagine."

Wendy: "Butters tell me you got that!"

Butters: "I sure did Wendy." [Notices the camera.] "Uh oh."

Wendy: "Uh Oh?"

Butters: "Y-yeah I kinda left the lens cap on while we were filming."

Wendy: "YOU WHAT!" [Her voice echoes throughout the island making the beasts of the jungle take notice.]

Butters: "I-it was an honest mistake really."

Wendy: [walks toward him threateningly.] "A once in a lifetime shot lost wasted because you forgot to take the lens cap off."

Butters: "Please don't kill me Wendy."

Wendy: [Grabs him by the collar.] "Oh Don't worry I'm not gonna kill you because we're going into the jungle to get that footage one way or another."

Butters: "B-but it's dangerous in there."

Wendy:[Her voice changes to a sweet tone.] "Fine if that's the way you want it we can go."

Butters: "R-really? We can go home and forget this ever happened?"

Wendy: "Of course and the first thing I'm gonna do when we get home is {Her voice turns threatening again.] tell your parents that you single handily ruined our entire voyage!"

Butters: [Gulps.] "M-m-my parents?"

[Images of Chris and Linda dressed in striped mobster suits and hats holding Tommy guns flash through his head.]

Chris: "Against the wall Butters." [They force Butters against a rainy alley wall.]

Butters: "B-but Dad I didn't mean to ruin everyone's voyage honest. I promise I won't do it again."

Chris: "Your darn right you won't." [He and Linda cock their Tommy guns.] This time we're gonna ground you permanently."

Butters: "Please don't kill me I'm your only son."

Linda: "We tried our best as parents Butters but it seems you'll just never learn."

Butters: "W-wait just me another chance I can be good I can-[His pleas are drowned out by a rat a tat rap of tommy gun as his parents fill him full of lead. The bullets rip through him leaving him bleeding to death against an alley wall.] Ugh"

[Chris walks up to him and takes a sawn off shotgun out of a violin case.]

Chris: "Goodnight Butters." [He puts both barrels into Butters mouth and fires as the dream sequence ends. Butters screams and gathers up the film equipment making especially sure to take off the lens cap.]

Butters: [Speedy] "Well love to stay and chat ladies but we've got a movie to make and we're not getting any younger twenty three skidoo!" [He hurries the crew together and pushes them out the gate.]

Amazon Sally: "Wow that kid has got some issues."

Amazon Lisa Berger: "I don't know I think he's kinda cute."

Amazon Red: "Lisa always goes for the scrawny ones."

Amazon Lola: "And they always wind up the same way."

[Shows the skeletons of Lisa's previous husbands all of which have broken pelvises and looks of horror on their face.]

[Meanwhile Cartman begins to drift in and out of consciousness. He slowly opens his eyes.]

Cartman: "H-huh? Where am I? [He notices that he's suspended in midair somehow. He hears the sound of running water and rubs his eyes to clear his vision. When he sees who's holding him in the palm of her hand he voicelessly screams.]

Morgan Freeman narrating: "The beast was a female that much he could tell she looked like human except for the fact that's she was over 25 feet tall. Her skin was a mocha brown tan and covered with freckled and huge muscles that bulged all over her body."

"She wore a makeshift bikini woven from the skins of animals sewn together along with a necklace with matching wrist and ankle bracelets and earrings made from the bones of dinosaurs. Her hair was messy and in the shape of a mohawk with the sides and back shaven leaving only the bangs remaining and her nails were painted with the blood of the dinosaurs she had slain. Cartman gulped as she moved in for a closer look He remembered what the natives said about sacrifice and assuming the end was near for him curled into a ball and waited for the inevitable. but instead of eating him the beast simply poked him with her finger. Cartman squirmed in surprise and looked up into her massive eyes as she studied him with curiosity. Then suddenly with without warning she tickled him."

Cartman: [laughing.] "Ha ha ha ha ha h-hey cut that out ha ha ha ha I'm serious!"

[Heffer looks at him laughing and smiles before taking his robe off with her fingers and tickling him some more.]

Cartman: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha [Tears start coming from his eyes as his voices gets higher.] Cut it out seriously I mean it ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

[Heffer stops tickling him for a moment and holds him under a waterfall to wash him.]

Cartman: "Pah puh pa patooie! Hey watch it will you pah puh puh you getting me all wet."

[Heffer raises her hand to her mouth and giggles before gently blowing on him to dry him off.]

Cartman: [His hair and fat folds blow in the wind] "Ugh When's the last time you brushed?"

[Heffer seeing her new pet is dry pulls him in gently for a kiss.]

Cartman: "Uh oh no no no no no no no no no no no please I don't want to be eaten I've got too much to live for I haven't kissed a girl before...[Heffer gives him a big sloppy kiss covering his face with lipstick.] Ugh never mind." [Heffer brings him for another kiss.] Uh no no no not again! [Heffer suddenly stops when the ground starts shaking.] "What was that?"

[The ground continues to shake as something moves closer thru the jungle canopy towards them. Heffer sensing danger puts Cartman in a tree and prepares for battle as a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex stomps into view.]

Music: "I'm a Mutha Fuckin T-Rex I'm a Mutha Fuckin T-rex I'm a Mutha Fuckin T-Rex!"

[With a mighty roar the T-Rex charges forward but Heffer undeterred charges forward beating her chest with a mighty war cry and the two meet in a grappling hold. The T-Rex tries to go for Heffer's neck but the she beast grabs it's jaws and holds them open before throwing it to the ground. The T-Rex gets back up and swings it's tail at her knocking her on her back before jumping charging at her again. But Heffer gets right back on her feet and grabs the T Rex by tail and swings it around and around before letting go and sending the T Rex crashing into the ground. Winded the T-Rex gets back to his feet and tries charge one more time but this time Heffer is ready and when the beast closes in she grabs him by the neck and snaps it killing it instantly.]

Music: "Needle scratch." [Heffer places her foot on the beasts neck and beats her chest with a mighty victory cry.]

Cartman: "Holy balls." [He climbs down and tries to tip toe away slowly before making a break for it but Heffer sees him and chases after him.] "No no Stay away from me I don't want to get Queen Kong cooties!" [He tries to run away but Heffer's too fast and plucks him right up between her fingers.] "Uh I..was gonna call you in the morning?"

[Heffer giggles at him and stomps back into the jungle canopy.]

Cartman: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!"

[Meanwhile the search party continues on thru the jungle.]

Wendy: "Just look at this everybody this island has been left unchanged for millions of years. There's a Cretaceous Cyaid tree and another and another."

Stan: "My God this is so boring!"

[Suddenly the ground begins to shake and the trees begin to rustle.]

Tweek: "Yargh! What was that?"

[A massive Stegosaurus stomps it's way out of the jungle clearing the tree line with a mighty swing of it's tail. The crew looks on in astonishment.]

Wendy: "Butters you better be filming this."

[Butters frantically turns the camera over towards the stegosaurus and starts rolling.]

Butters: "I-I'm rolling Wendy honest."

Wendy: "Good what ever happens don't stop filming."

Butters: "Y-Yes Ma'm."

Wendy: [She walks in front of the camera] "Microphone?" [Jimmy holds it out on his crutch accidentally hitting her in the face with it.] "Ow!"

Jimmy: "S-Sorry."

Wendy: "It's okay. [She straightens herself out] "Hello I'm Wendy Testaburger and I'm here deep in the remote jungles of Mocha island where it seems time has stood still for 65 million years. Behind me is a living breathing example of the family Stegosauria thought to be extinct since the late Cretaceous period."

[While Wendy continues filming Stan and Kyle talk to each other.]

Stan: "Wow dude this is awesome! I've seen pink elephants before but never Stegosaurus's." [He belches.]

Kyle: "Your drinking already?"

Stan: "It's hot and I'm thirsty."

Kyle: "Whatever just don't over do it."

Stan: "Don't worry." [He takes out a big gulp flask and takes a glug.]

[The Stegosaurus starts moving towards Wendy.]

Butters: "Uh Wendy?"

Wendy: "Butters don't interrupt me while I'm speaking."

Butters: "But but but..."

Wendy: "No but's Butters or I'll call your parents when we get back."

Stan: "Wendy!"

[She turns and sees the Stegosaurus coming right for her.]

Wendy: [Screams]

[The Stegosaurus charges towards them leaving Butters no choice but to tackle Wendy to the ground as the dinosaur tramples over the camera and past them. The rest of the crew scatter as the creature charges past them.]

Wendy: "Butters...You saved my life."

Butters: "Aw shucks Wendy it weren't nothing."

Wendy: "I'll make sure your parents hear about this."

Stan: "Hey what about me?"

Wendy: "Where were you when I needed help? drinking yourself into a stupor?"

Stan: "I'm not drunk. [Belches.] Okay I'm not that drunk."

Kyle: "Look can we just get on with this stupid movie already? The sooner we find Cartman the sooner we can go home."

Wendy: "Oh My God The Camera!" [She runs over to find it trampled to pieces.] "Nooooo my movie my award my passing grade! [She begins sobbing] "This is all your fault Butters! I'll make sure your parents hear about this!"

Butters: "Aw Hamburgers!"

[Elsewhere on the peak of Mocha Mountain the mighty Heffer carries her latest kill and her new pet into her domain. Her cave contains a great stone table and chair along with a giant hammock, a tire swing, a giant vanity with various oversized cosmetics and a mirror and a triceratops skin rug]

[Heffer lumbers into her cave and sets Cartman on her vanity before turning her attention to the T-Rex carcass. She picks up a big knife and drags the body outside the cave.]

Cartman: 'Hey where are you going? Do leave me here it's too high up! How am I supposed to escape?"

[Heffer decapitates the T-Rex with her bare hands tossing the head aside before stabbing it in the stomach and gutting it.]

Cartman: "This is bullshit I'm being held prisoner by a jumbo jungle girl on her period and I'm missing the premiere of Gold Diggers of 1933."

[Heffer slowly roasts the T-Rex's body on a giant spit licking her lips as she waits for her meal to cook. Seeing the opportunity to escape Cartman decides to make a break for it.]

Cartman: [whispers.] "Alright she's distracted time to cut and run." [He walks over to the edge only to find it's a it's 20 foot drop.] "Lame." [He notices an oversized ball of yarn made of vines and a needle made from an old sword.] Hmm.

[Cuts to Cartman stabbing the sword into the vanity and tying the vine to it.]

Cartman: [Gulps] "Well Here goes nothing." [He jumps off and goes swinging face first into the dresser's leg.] "Ugh." [Then the sword's blade snaps and he falls flat on his butt to the floor.] "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha Meemh! Meemh! [He suddenly covers his mouth when he realizes Heffer is right outside but the thunderous footfalls coming into the cave indicate it's already too late. In the blink of an Eye Heffer walks in and spots him on the ground crying like a little baby.]

Heffer: [Grunts softly and picks him up.]

Cartman: [Screams] "Please put me down!"

[Heffer opens her mouth and draws him closer.]

Cartman: "No please I don't want to eaten there wasn't anything in my contract about a vore scene."

[He holds up his hands as Heffer gives him a give sloppy kiss all better.]

Cartman: "Aw gross!"

Heffer: [Thinks to herself and then grunts as if to say aha before walking over to her vanity and pulling out a giant tube of lipstick.]

Cartman: "What are you gonna do with that I mean really I'm already covered in slobber I really don't think you need...[Heffer puts on her lipstick and looks at him with a crooking finger.] "Stop looking at me like that I know what your thinking but I'm not going there I've already got enough jungle cooties to last me a lifetime no no I don't want to get kissed again no no nooooooo!"

[Heffer winks at him and pulls him in close for a big lip smacking kiss. He tries to push her lips back but only succeeds in getting his arms covered in lipstick.]

Cartman: "Aw Damn it how can this get any worse?" [He palms his face in frustration leaving a big red lipstick hand mark on his face.]

[Heffer looks at her little pet covered in lipstick and giggles. Suddenly she gets another idea and lifts him up.]

Cartman: "What are you doing now?"

[Heffer brings him up close and opens her animal skin top revealing her freckled amazon sized breasts.]

Cartman: "WOAH LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE MAGUMBOS!" [Gulps as realizes what's coming next] "What are you gonna do to me?"

Heffer: [Grunty] "Bouncy Bouncy."

Cartman: "Bouncy Bouncy?"

[Heffer drops Cartman into her top and then walks over to a giant stone record player. Don't ask where she got it I don't know and puts on some hot spicy mambo music shaking her hips and breasts slowly at first then faster as the music picks up speed. Soon Cartman finds himself trapped in a bouncing shaking sweating fleshy prison from which there is no escape.]

Cartman: "AHH Seriously stop it I'm feeling sick!" I don't care if a fall from this height will kill me I want out of here. [He squirms around like a baby trying to get out but his wriggling only tickles the beast.]

Heffer: [Giggles and laughs at the tickling sensation.]

Cartman: "Uh Oh!"

Heffer: [Giggles and presses her breasts together with her hands.]

[Cartman tries to escape the walls of boobage closing in on him like the trash compactor on the Death Star but the boobs are too sweaty and too bouncy to get a grip on and soon he finds himself trapped."

Cartman: "Ugh Ugh Ugh Waaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha [His voice becomes super whiny.] "You guys seriously how can this get any worse?"

To be continued in part 3.

Cartman: [Looks down.] "Aw You gotta be fucking shitting me seriously?"

[Heffer giggles and continues dancing.]

[Meanwhile back with the rest of the crew.]

Kenny: [Get's a sudden nosebleed.]

Stan: "What's wrong Kenny?"

Kenny: [Muffled.] "I don't know but suddenly I have the strange urge to trade places with Cartman."


	3. Chapter 3

All Characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated poorly this story contains coarse language and due to it's content should not be read by anyone.

[We return to the intrepid crew as they build themselves a raft to cross a deep lake in search of Heffer and Cartman. The boys lead by Wendy cut down trees and tie them together with vines.]

[Stan and Kenny wrap a vine around some trunks and tie it tight while Dogpoo and Clyde cut down some more trees and Token and Ze Mole prepare spears to throw.]

[Kyle Walks up to Wendy who's inspecting a backup camera.]

Kyle: "We're almost ready with the raft Wendy how's the camera?"

Wendy: "Well our movie will have to be a silent picture but as long as we get some shots of Heffer we should be good."

Clyde: "So Token do you think we'll find Cartman out here?"

Token: "Not alive but I'm guessing in a few more hours we'll find what's left of him on the ground."

Clyde: "Gross."

[The crew finishes building the raft and loads it up before casting off.]

[Once out on the lake the crew travels silently wondering what awaits them next.]

Kenny: [Notices Ze Mole looking out onto lake with apprehension.] [Muffled] " Hey Mole what's up?"

Ze Mole: "I can't shake Z'his feeling z'hat were being followed by something."

[Suddenly something rocks the raft sending crew members tumbling into the lake and knocking supplies over.]

Stan: "What was that?"

[Suddenly a huge Elasmosaurus rises out of the water behind Kenny and before the hooded boy can scream the beast snaps him up in his jaws and pulls him under.]

Stan: "Oh my God they killed Kenny!"

Kyle: [Shakes his fist.] "You bastards!"

[The beast smacks it's head against the raft knocking the guns into the water.]

Kyle: "Our Guns!"

Stan: "In hindsight we probably should have used those when it first came up."

[The rest of the crew grabs spears and try to fend off the Elasmosaurus but it simply grabs them in it's jaws and snaps them in two. Meanwhile Wendy films the whole experience.]

Token: "What do you want with us monster?"

[The monster looks down at Token with it's big head and big black eyes and says "I need about Tree Fiddy?"]

Crew altogether: "Tree Fiddy?"

Elasmosaurus: "That's the fare to cross my lake tree dollars and fiddy cents!"

Kyle: "Anyone got Tree Fiddy?"

Clyde: "I left my wallet on the boat."

Kyle: "I never carry cash in the jungle."

Stan: "I already spent my advance check for this movie."

Wendy: "I spent it all on the cameras and equipment."

Tweek: "Oh God please don't eat me!"

Ze Mole: "Do you take Francs?"

Elasmosaurus: "No!"

Dogpoo: Here you go! [He takes out some very smelly money.]

Elasmosaurus: [sniffs it.] "Uh no thanks you can ride for free."

[Everyone looks at Token.]

Token: "What? Sigh fine." [He takes out his wallet and gives 3.50 to the monster who takes it in his mouth and drops it in a box labeled fee.]

Elasmosaurus: "All aboard everyone on my back!" [The crew boards the beasts back and it ferries them across the lake.]

Stan and Kyle: [begin singing] "We met an Elasmosaurus and for a token fee!"

Elasmosaurus: "I'll ferry you on my back across the ancient sea."

Stan, Kyle and the crew: "He's a friend to everyone as playful as a loon."

Everyone: "And now here's the entire gang in a Bob Clampett Cartooooooooooooooon!" [The Elasmosaurus licks them both and everyone laughs heartily.]

[Kenny swims out from the lake.]

Stan: "Hey everybody Kenny's not dead!"

Kenny: [Muffled] "Hey guys what's going on?

[Everyone laughs again.]

[Meanwhile back on Mocha Mountain Queen Heffer settles down for dinner. She tears a leg from the cooked T-Rex and bites into the thigh like a turkey leg.]

Cartman: [sits in her lap.] "Aw sick it's like watching a Diamond Jim Brady eat!"

Heffer: "Burp!"

[Heffer offers Cartman a bite]

Cartman: "Uh no thanks I don't have much of an appetite."

[Heffer takes another bite the saliva and blood from her mouth dripping onto Cartman's head.]

Cartman: "Aw gross!"

[Heffer continues to make a meal out of the T-Rex the blood and gore dripping all over her bikini and all over her face. In just a few minutes she completely strips the leg of all it's flesh leaving nothing but the bones.]

[An hour later Heffer has stripped the entire T-Rex to nothing but bones. Her lips are covered in blood along with her hands and she got plenty on Cartman as well. She rubs her bloated full belly where Cartman is lying and burps before picking him back up and lumbering back into her cave. She lies down in her hammock and settles down for a long nap.]

Heffer: [Falls fast asleep and begins snoring so loud the entire cave seems to shake!]

Cartman: [Looks to see that she's asleep and slowly carefully slides down her stomach...right into her loincloth.] "ARGH OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! AHHHH! [His squirming tickles Heffer who tosses and turns in her hammock giggling and before releasing a queef in his face."

Cartman: [Is blinded and screams in abject wide eyed horror! and tries to find his way out only to trip and get his head stuck deep in her clitoris. He tries to pull it out but her grip is solid and every thrust to escape only pleasures the beast who tosses and turns in her sleep locking her gargantuan legs around him tighter with every passing moment until finally.]

Cartman: "Oh God no!"

SPOOGE! [Heffer releases her grip in a mighty orgasm allowing Cartman to free his spooge covered head in horror. His hair sticks up from pulling his head out of her making him resemble a spooge drenched troll doll. He coughs up a mouthful of cum and then vomits up a second load.]

[After wiping his face off he wastes no time finding his way out of her wet loincloth his through the back passage and swinging down to the floor.] "Ugh!" [He wipes the cum off himself and looks to make sure Heffer is still asleep before running outside the cave. He looks around to make sure Heffer isn't following him and begins trekking down the mountain leaving Heffer to moan with pleasure in her sleep] "Mommy mo mo mommy ma ma ma ma ma mommy." [He breaks down into sobs of horror]

[Cartman is so traumatized that he doesn't notice the shadow flying above him until it's swoops him up in his talons.]

Cartman: "AHHH! MOMMMMMY! "

[Meanwhile The crew is slogging their way up the mountain.]

Wendy: "Okay the singalong with the Elasmosaurus isn't exactly what I was hoping to show but at least it's something to start with as long as we get some shots of Heffer it should just be be enough. We can add the sound when we get back."

Cartman: "AHHH! MOMMMMMY!"

[The crew looks up and sees Cartman being carried by a Pterodactyl]

Kyle: "Holy Shit He's still alive."

Stan: "Should we go save him or something? I mean we did agree to allow him to sacrificed."

[A trembling roar fills the jungle the air!]

Clyde: "That sounded like Heffer!"

Wendy: "What are waiting for let's go!"

[The crew follows the sound of Cartman screaming up the mountain as the Pterodactyl carries him up to it's nest.]

Cartman: [He looks down and sees the babies in the nest looking up at him with their beaks open. He also sees several skeletons of previous explorers lining the bottom and gulps. He tries to come up with a solid sentence but the trauma of what he's been through just gives way to high pitched screaming!]

[Suddenly a large mocha hand grabs the Pterodactyl's talon and catches Cartman in her palm. With a mighty roar the Queen of the jungle pulls the Pterodactyl down and throws him to the ground.]

Cartman: "I-I-I-I'm Al-live! [He looks to see a flushed wet Heffer and resumes his high pitched screams of horror.]

[Heffer kisses him on the forehead and sets him down just as the Pterodactyl gets back up and attacks her.]

Cartman: "AAHHHHHHHHHHH! [And with the speed of an overweight boy who's been a sacrifice, pet involuntary sex toy and intended baby food in a single day he runs down the peak while Heffer battles the Pterodactyl.]

[Meanwhile the film crew continues it's trek up Mocha mountain. The jungle heat and fatigue begin to set in."

Ze Mole: [panting and coughing] "I have had a smoke in over 6 hours." [He hacks and coughs] "Z'his is not how I intended I'd die."

[Dogpoo is beginning to smell like shit on a sidewalk in a steamy jungle. The other crew members and the beasts on the mountain give him a broad distance insuring the crews survival.]

Clyde: [Cries] "I want to go home I want to go home I hate this tropical island that time forgot where everything is really big I don't care how big the natives titties are anymore I want to go home!"

Wendy: "Somebody slap him!"

[Jimmy obliges.]

Wendy: "Thank you!"

Stan: [Burps.] "That's it were officially out of Jamison!" [Burps]

Kyle: "You drank that last bottle already?"

Stan: "Drank all of them *hic* " [He begins to sway back and forth.]

Kyle: "Hey! [He stands Stan up Straight.] There were 13 bottles of Jamison in our kit are you saying you drank them all?"

Stan: [Singing] 13 bottles of beer on the wall 13 bottles of Bleagh! [He vomits all over Kyle and falls face first into his own puke.]

Kyle: "Yep he did."

Jimmy: "Look Everybody!"

Wendy: "What is it Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "C-coming down the mountain I think it's -C-c-ca-c-c-car-Car-eh. I think it's Cart-m-m-mmeh? I think it's C-c-c-c-c"

Token: "Oh boy we could be here a while."

Jimmy: "Cartman!"

Butters: "Eric!" [He rushes up to hug his friend who punches him square in the face.]

Cartman: [Shudders with horror] "Ma ma ma mama ma mamamama ma Mommy!" [He breaks down with horror]

Butters: "Aw there there Eric we missed you too." [He pats Cartman on the back] "Boy you sure are stinky."

[The crew looks Cartman up and down His sacrificial robes and crown are gone leaving a threadbare thong as his only means of clothing which he has soiled. He's covered in giant red lipstick marks as well as the handprint he gave himself earlier not to mention Heffer's cum. His hair is covered in drying cum giving him the look of a spooge drenched troll doll They immediately burst into laughter.]

Kyle: "Dude what happened to your face?"

Wendy: "Is that Lipstick?"

Kenny: [Muffled] "And why do you smell like frustration and horror and deep shame?" [His eyes widen] "Oh my god that's cum isn't it!"

[The entire crew falls down laughing at his predicament until suddenly a great roar pierces the night air.]

Cartman: "Mommy!"

[The headless corpse of the Pterodactyl crashes in front of them as Heffer angrily stomps down the mountain after her pet.]

Cartman: [Screams extremely high and runs down the mountain]

Butters: "Eric wait up!"

Token: "What do we do?"

Clyde: "I'm with Cartman run for your life!" [He runs off too.]

Wendy: "What are you men or boys?"

Token: "We're scared little boys!"

Ze Mole: "And we want our Mommies too!"

Kyle: "Wendy I'm with the guys on this see ya!" [He grabs Stan by the arm and drags him away.]

[The rest of the boys run off.]

Wendy: "A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do." [She starts film as Heffer gets closer until common sense kicks in.]  
>"Hey wait for me boys don't you know not to leave a damsel in distress!" [She runs away while Heffer stomps the camera.]<p>

[The crew reach a chasm spanned by a fallen log.]

Butters: "What do we do?"

[With speed he never knew he had Cartman climbs up onto the log and sprints down the log leaving a trail of cum sweat and his own urine on the log.]

Clyde: "Quick onto the log"

Kyle: "What no!"

Kenny: [Muffled] "Why not?"

Kyle: "Because dude Cartman just peed on it."

Kenny: [Muffled] "Oh god not his again"

Heffer: [Roars]

Kyle: "Ahhhhh!" [He climbs onto the log and pulls Stan up. the rest of the crew follows suit.]

Wendy: "Wait up guys!" [She rushes out onto the log just as Heffer stomps into view.]

[The rest of the crew throws Spears at Heffer which pierce her skin but only make her angrier. She pulls them out with little effort then grabs a hold of the log just as Stan, Kyle, Butters and Wendy make it across. but before the others can Heffer rolls the log sending them plunging into the chasm.]

Token: "I KNEW I WAS GOING TO DIE FIRST I JUST KNNNNNEEEEEEEEEWWWWW IT!"

Dogpoo: "NOOOOOOO I DIDN'T EVEN GET A DECENT PARRRRRT

Clyde: [cries] "I DON'T WANNA DIE! I DON'T WANNNNAAA!"

Jimmy: "GOOD-GOODB-BYE C-CRUEL W-WORLD!

Timmy: "TIMMMMMMAAAAAAAH!"

Tweek: "OH SWEET JESUS THIS IS THE END!"

Kevin: "I STILL HAD 37 MORE BUCK ROGERS COMICS TO READ!"

Ze Mole: "TELL MY MOTHZ'ER SHE IS STILL A BEETCH!"

[Ironically Kenny is the only one who manages to hang onto the log.]

Kenny: [Removes his hood] "Oh my God! I'm not the first person to die on this voyage!"

[Heffer sets the log down and comes after them]

Wendy: "No time to grieve run for your lives!" [She runs away screaming soon followed by Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters]

[Meanwhile Cartman finally finds his way back to the village to the surprise of the native girls.]

Amazon Bebe: "Is that our sacrifice?"

Amazon Monica: "He's still alive?"

Amazon Lola: "What's he covered with?" [She holds her nose.]

Amazon Nicole: [Holds her nose] "He smells like curtain cheese!"

Cartman: [Exhausted] "Ma Ma Mommy." [He faints]

Amazon Red: "What do we do? without a sacrifice Heffer will very angry!"

[A sudden roar deafens the island as Wendy, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters return with fear in their eyes.]

Wendy: "You have to help us Heffer is right on our heels."

Amazon Bebe: "Of course she is angry you stole her sacrifice!"

Kyle: "We didn't steal anything He was just ran right past us and she was chasing him. We were lucky to get away."

[The ground begins to shake as Heffer nears the village.]

Amazon Jenny: "Oh my God she's still coming."

Amazon Bebe: "Quick get the sacrifice ready!"

Amazon Millie: "He's gone!"

Amazon Bebe: "What?"

Amazon Millie: "The sacrifice he's gone."

Amazon Bebe: "The fuck!"

[Cuts To Cartman swimming for his life to get to the ship.]

Amazon Annie: "We need another sacrifice fast!"

Stan: "Oh shit not it."

Kyle: "Not it."

Butters: "Not it"

Kenny: 'Not It Damn it!"

[The girls strip Kenny down and tie him up]

Kenny: [Unmuffled] "What are you doing? [They put a funnel in his mouth.] Please don't do this! [They pour a pot of stew down his throat to fatten him up and take the funnel out] "Please I've got so much to live for!" [They dress him in ceremonial robes and a crown and ties him to the post.] PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU I...[A roar echoes through the jungle as Heffer approaches the gate. The girls begin the ceremonial dance]

Girls: "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle. [They begin to speed up] Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle!"

Kenny: "I STILL WANT TO LIVE!

[The tempo begins to climax as the gates open and with a mighty roar Heffer stomps up to the platform when suddenly she sees Kenny.]

KENNY: [Nervous] "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU PLEASE GOD DON'T EAT ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! [He breaks down sobbing as Heffer picks him up and sniffs him.] Kenny: "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA..." [Heffer licks him and smiles] "Oh You l-like me you really like me! [Then suddenly she wolfs him down whole with a gulp.]

Stan: [Instantly sobers up] "Oh My God She Ate Kenny!"

Kyle: "You Bitch!"

Wendy: [Notices a crate of gas bombs they left behind.] "Stan Kyle Butters quick over here! [She waves to them.]

[The boys rush over to see.]

Wendy: "These grenades contain knockout gas we can knock her right out!"

Stan: "Hey that's right now we don't need to...sacrifice...Kenny! Ooooooh yeeaaaaaaah! we probably used these in the first place maybe saved all our friends."

Kyle: "Yeah this is very awkward!"

[The crew puts on gas masks and bombards Heffer with Gas Grenades.]

Heffer: [Choking and hacking on the gas she stumbles about knocking over the sacrificial platform and trampling several huts]

Amazon Lola: "Nooooooo I still had two more payments on that hut."

[Finally the gas takes full effect and the mighty Heffer falls flat on her stomach and on top of the local village Banana Republic.]

Wendy: "We did it boys the greatest beast to ever walk the earth and we brought her down."

Butters: "But what about the movie."

Wendy: "I've got bigger plans than that Butters. This is the discovery of the century the entire world will pay to see her."

Kyle: "Are you sure this is ethical Wendy? I mean taking a creature from her habitat and putting her up on display?"

Wendy: "Kyle normally I'd agree with you but I really need this passing grade and If I can turn a profit on it so much the better."

Butters: "But what if during the show she gets angered by the flash photography and breaks out and goes on a rampage?"

Wendy: "Butters when has that honestly ever happened before except for that one time with WC Fields?"

Butters: "Oh Right"

Wendy: "Just think of it in a week we'll have her on display in Denver. Imagine up in lights Heffer the 8th Wonder of the world! Mr Merrill will be so proud!"

[Coming Soon Part 4 the finale.]


	4. Queen Heffer Finale

All Characters and events in this story even those based on real people are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated poorly. This story contains coarse language and due to it's content should not be read by anybody.

[We open with the bright lights of Denver Colorado as news of the arrival of a beast unlike the world has ever seen before. Up in bright neon lights the letters read out Queen Heffer the 8th wonder of the world.]

[At the Red Rocks Amphitheater the crowds gather at the incredible discovery and reporters from all over the country arrive to see the 8th wonder of the world.]

Reporter: "Say Jack what about this Queen Heffer? What does she look like?"

Jack: "I don't know Tom, Testaburger is keeping a tight lid on everything coming in or out the venue."

Tom: "Sounds like a publicity stunt to me what do think Casey?"

Casey Miller: [In his trademark smooth voice.] "I think that Heffer is the biggest thing to hit Denver since Jack Earle. This will surely be a show for the ages.]

Jack: "This mob is huge I should got here earlier then I could have gotten a better shot."

[That's right Jack is actually Jack Brolin aka Captain Hindsight and anyone who's seen King Kong knows we're going to need some hindsight advice very soon.]

[A limosine pulls up and Wendy, Stan and Kyle step out. Stan and Kyle are dressed in tuxedos while Wendy wears a white dress similar to Fay Wray's. Immediately the reporters mob them.]

Reporters: "Miss Testaburger Miss Testaburger Miss Testaburger."

Wendy: "One at a time boys."

Tom: "Mrs Testaburger tell all about this amazing discovery of yours."

Jack: "You've got the whole city of Denver abuzz with talk what exactly are you being shown tonight?"

Casey: [Smooth voice.] "Wendy what happened to the star of your film Eric Cartman? We have not seen him here on the red carpet."

Wendy: "Gentlemen I promise you tonights show will be one you never forget but as for questions you'll have to wait until after the show."

[Wendy and the boys head up to the press area where Mr Merrill and Craig are waiting for them.]

Mr Merrill: "Ah Wendy I see your the talk of the town tonight everyone is waiting to see your incredible discovery."

Wendy: "Thank you Mr Merrill."

Mr Merrill: "I'd say your passing grade is in the bag."

Wendy: "Yes! Mr Merill can you excuse me a moment?"

Mr Merrill: "Of course Wendy."

Wendy: [Walks up to Craig.] "YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! IN YOUR FACE CRAIG! WHOOOO!" [She flips him off.]

Craig: [crosses his arms] "Yeah well we'll see who laughs last."

Wendy: "Your just mad that I outdid you."

Craig: "I only came here because a lion got loose and mauled one of the pinheads during a taping."

Wendy: "Yep and If had wheels I'd be a wagon Craig."

Mr Merrill: "So Where's your big star Cartman? Isn't he coming here tonight?"

Stan: "He's sick at the moment."

[Cuts to a room at the Brown palace hotel where Cartman is lying on the bed telling Butters about his experience.]

Cartman: [Sniffle] It was finally after she fell asleep that I felt like I had a chance to make a break for it. I slid off her stomach and fell right into her lioncloth HER LOINCLOTH! OH GOD THE SMELL IT WAS LIKE SWEATY ROTTING PORK MIXED WITH OLD CHEESE!" [He starts crying into his hands.] "SHE DOESN'T DOUCHE BUTTERS SHE HAD NEVER DOUCHED IN HER LIFE!"

Butters: [Pats his back] "There there Eric it'll feel better if you talked about!"

Eric: [Crying] "Feel Better? Feel Better? I don't know if I'll ever feel better after getting my head stuck up there! It felt like I was being eaten by a fleshy man eating bush!"

Butters: "Eric...Tell me more about her bush?"

Eric: "What?" 

[Meanwhile back at the Red Rocks Amphitheater the show begins to start. The crowds file in to their seat the cameras begins to roll and the spotlights begins to focus on the stage.]

[Wendy takes to the stage with Stan and Kyle as the audience applauds]

Wendy: "Ladies and Gentlemen boys and girls thank you all for coming to tonights show I promise tonight I will show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. She was a queen and a goddess in the world she knew, but tonight she comes to you merely a captive, a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and Gentlemen behold I give you Heffer the 8th wonder of the world!"

[The curtain draws back to reveal Heffer bound in heavy chains to the wall with a large crown on her head. She opens her eyes and sees all the people staring at her. She tries to moves but finds herself bound by the chains.]

Wendy: "Do not be alarmed folks those Chains are pure chrome steel completely unbreakable."

[The audience erupts with cheers and the press whip out their flashbulb cameras and begin taking pictures]

[Heffer begins to wince and roar at the flashing lights]

Stan: "Hey Wendy I don't think she likes having her picture taken."

Wendy: "So she's a little camera shy it's no big deal she'll get over it."

[Heffer continues to roar and begins thrashing around trying to break her chains]

Kyle: "Uh Wendy what do we do if she breaks loose."

Wendy: "Simple Kyle we gas her with Hydrogen cyanide and put her body on display at the Denver Natural history museum."

Stan: "I think this passing grade is going to your head."

Wendy: [Shrieks] "NO IT IS NOT GOING TO MY HEAD!" [The theater goes silent as everyone even Heffer look at her wide eyed.]

[Back at the hotel]

Cartman: "For the hundredth time I don't want to talk about it Butters."

Butters: "It's just an innocent question Eric was it thick and bushy or was it pink and hairless? Would it help If got a house plant!"

Cartman: "NO BUTTERS STAY AWAY! [He throws a table lamp at him.] YOU ARE SICK BUTTERS YOU HEAR ME SICK YOU HAVE FUCKING PROBLEMS MAN!"

Butters: "I HAVE TO KNOW ERIC I HAVE TO KNOW!"

Cartman: [Puts on his hat and coat.] "Screw you Butters I'm going to the Amphitheater. I'd rather spend the evening with the she beast than with a sick pervert like you!"

[He heads out the door with Butters hot on his trail.]

Butters: "Eric Wait up!"

[Cartman runs for the elevator]

Cartman: "Bellhop hold the door." [The bellhop holds the door for him.] "Close it now!" [The bellhop sees Butters and holds the door for him too.] "Don't hold it for him AW GODDAMN IT! [The elevator arrives at the lobby and Cartman runs out to the front to hail a taxi.]

Cartman: "TAXI TAXI!"

[A taxi pulls up and Cartman gets inside.]

Cabbie: "Where to Mac?"

Cartman: "Redrocks Amphitheater step on it."

[Butters tries to hail the same cab.]

Butters: "Hey Cartman wait for me!"

Cartman: "Don't stop for him just go AW GODDAMN IT!" [Butters climbs into the cab.] "Just go."

Butters: "You know this works out well for both of us Eric, You get to attend the premiere and and after the show I get to see her bush for myself."

[Cartman screams!]

[Meanwhile back at the amphitheater a group of dancing girls preforms a ritualistic dance reminiscent of the dance the natives did back on the island. Looking closely we can see the dancers are the Raisins girls. The audience cheers as the dancers continue their routine.]

Raisins girls: "Sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle sparkle sparkle sunshine sparkle."

[The dance routine triggers memories of the memories of the sacrifices made to her by the natives of Mocha Island. She struggles against her restraints but fails.]

[The dance concludes as Wendy walks up to the stage.]

Wendy: "And now for our big climax! The human sacrifice to the goddess, The natives would choose one of the most attractive males treat him to a great feast until he was nice and plump and offer him as a sacrifice."

[One of the dancers playing the priestess claps her hands as a robed figure is brought onto the stage, Meanwhile Wendy exits stage right.]

Stan: "Wendy how are supposed to do the sacrifice if Cartman isn't here?"

Wendy: "I got an understudy."

[The dancers remove the robes to reveal...Jeffrey from Cartman's fat camp dressed up like Cartman.]

Kyle: "Who the hell is that?"

Wendy: "His names Jeffrey and he says he and Cartman met at a Oliver Hardy lookalike slash ice sitting contest, He's trying to break into stage work."

Stan: "Oh."

[Heffer studies Jeffrey curiously he's fat like her pet and he's dressed like her pet but to her something doesn't seem right. Jeffrey takes one look into the monsters eyes, loses all bladder control and faints.]

Wendy: [Facepalms] "God damn it Jeffrey pissing yourself and passing out is not part of the script. this isn't going to look good in the papers tomorrow."

Stan: "It's okay we still have a good show let's just ad lib."

Wendy: [Takes a deep breath.] "Okay I can do this." [She walks out onto the stage.] "Let's give our sacrifice a big hand folks. Personally I don't blame him for fainting in the face of a terrifying beast such as this."

[Elsewhere outside the amphitheater theater Cartman's cab pulls to a stop and he gets out.]

Cartman: "For the the one thousandth time Butters I'm not talking about it and if you ask me again I'll wrench your balls off with my bare hands and force them down your throat. Now pay the cabbie so I can get a moments peace."

Butters: "Lucky Dog I didn't see any bush on the island."

[Cartman runs into the backstage entrance and bumps right into Kyle.]

Cartman: "Watch were your going Jew!"

Kyle: "Cartman what the hell I thought you weren't coming to the premiere?"

Cartman: "Well I had to get out Butters was driving me crazy!"

Kyle: "Butters?"

Cartman: He wouldn't stop pestering me about Queen Kong's bush asking what it looked like what was the hair like? He's obsessed!"

Wendy: "Kyle the press would like a word with...[Sees Cartman] "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at the hotel? Never mind this is actually a good opportunity come on!" [She grabs him by the wrist and drags him out onto the stage.] "Ladies and gentlemen of the press I'd like you all to meet the brave hero of the expedition the man who's handsome looks tamed the beast Eric Cartman." [She pulls Cartman out onto the stage.]

[Cartman looks up at Heffer who looks back at with eyes of adoration. He gulps and waves nervously at her. She grunts softly and waves back.]

[Suddenly Cartman is swarmed by reporters taking pictures and asking questions.]

Jack: "Mr Cartman how were you able to tame such a savage beast on your own?"

Tom: "Mr Cartman the Denver Post wants to know what's next for the great adventurer?"

Casey: "Eric the people of America want to hear the entire story of your harrowing tale on Mocha Island in the clutches of the ferocious beast?"

[The reporters take lots of pictures with flashbulbs which begin to agitate Heffer who yanks and struggles against her restraints]

Stan: "The lights She thinks they're attacking Cartman we got to stop them."

Kyle: [Runs onto the stage] "Stop stop taking pictures your agitating her!"

[Heffer lets out a roar]

Tom: "Aw let her roar it'll make a great picture for the front page."

[Heffer continues to try and break her restraints, the audience begins to look worried.]

Wendy: "Ladies and gentlemen there is no cause for alarm these chains are chrome steel virtually unbreakable!"

[Heffer snaps out one of her manacles and uses her free arm to pull off the other.]

Mr Slave: "Oh Jesus Christ She's loose!"

Wendy: "Everyone calm down there's no need to panic just stay calm and...[Heffer breaks the restraint around her waist.] "Everyone run for your lives!"

[The amphitheater descends into panic as the crowds flee for the exits tripping and trampling over one another in the panic. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Wendy and the reporters flee the stage through the backdoor.]

[Heffer breaks out of her leg anklets and lumbers into the crowd trampling and crushing people fleeing for their lives. She picks up Jeffrey off the stage who awakens to find himself in Heffer's clutches. His screams of terror are cut short by Heffer biting off his head and throwing his headless body into the crowd.]

[The crowds file out of the amphitheater in a full panic some trying to reach their cars others fleeing on foot.]

Butters: "What's going on why's everyone leaving? I didn't think the show was that bad?"

[A woman points in terror as Heffer exits the amphitheater with a primal roar and knocks over the neon sign advertising the show which lands on several people crushing them to death. the wires holding the sign up whiplash out cutting two people in half and the electric land on the ground right next to a fire hydrant which is then run over by the cab that brought Cartman and Butters to the theater. The electricity and water combine to create a deadly current which electrocutes the cabbie as he tries to flee along with several other people and ignites the sign causing it to burst into flames.]

Butters: "OH HAMBURGERS! THIS IS BAD THIS IS BAD THIS IS BAD!" [Suddenly stops and ponders] I guess I could just have just a tiny peek at her bush when she's not looking." [he follows after Heffer who by now has turned her attention to the Parking lot and is stomping knocking over and throwing around cars like a child playing monster.] "I wish I'd brought a camera so I could get a picture of it." [He spots camera held by a dying Tom Pusslicker who's trapped under a burning car]

Tom: "Young Man please you gotta help me! [Coughs up blood] "I don't want to die here."

[Butters looks at him and then at his camera and picks it up.]

Butters: "I promise I'll bring it right back Mister." [He runs off after Heffer.]

Tom: "No wait Come back! [the gas tank explodes engulfing him in flames] "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[Meanwhile our heroes have managed to get to a car and get down the road to Denver.]

Wendy: "Well there goes my passing grade in film class."

Stan: "I thought you said those chains were unbreakable."

Jack: "Hmm what about the manacles attached to the chains?"

Kyle: "What about them?"

Jack: "You should have checked to make sure they were of the same quality as the chains that way Heffer couldn't have broken out so easily also you should not have let those reporters in with flash photography that way Heffer wouldn't have become so agitated and escaped and you see the exits you should not have let the film crews set up their cameras there that way more people could have made it out okay."

Stan: "Enough with the stupid hindsight your not helping anyone if you wait around for bad things to happen before telling people what they could have done to prevent it. We need to think of a way to stop Heffer before she causes anymore damage."

Wendy: "Or we could just go back to the hotel gather the proceeds head to Stapleton and fly to Canada and put this whole mess behind us? [Everyone looks at her with surprise] "Oh Crap I didn't just think that out loud did I?"

[We then cut to downtown Denver where word of Heffer's escape has thrown the city into a panic. People run down the street aimlessly in an attempt to escape the oncoming terror.]

[Randy and Sharon walk out of a theater showing Footlight Parade.]

Sharon: "Woo that was incredible Randy that James Cagney sure knows how to put on a show!

Randy: "Yeah nothing like a musical on a Friday night huh?"

[They notice everyone running and panicking in the streets.]

Sharon: "What's going on?"

Randy: "Sounds like their having a sale at Cherry Creek."

Sharon: [Shrieks in terror] Randy Look!"

[We then Heffer in her full raging glory as she stomps down the street crushing a car underfoot and throwing it away like a toy.]

[The crushed car lands in front of Randy and Sharon.]

Randy: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO STARTLING!"

[The Marsh's take off running down the street with everyone else.]

Officer Barbrady: "Okay people move along nothing to see here." [He looks up at Heffer.] "You too little girl run along now." [Heffer picks him up to study him] "Young lady If you don't put me down immediately and stop being really big I'll have choice but to take you in for obstruction of...[Heffer bites his head off and throws the body aside]

[She looks around the area for a bit as if she's looking for something. suddenly the sound of a train horn arouses her attention She walks over to the L line and sees the elevated train coming. The driver sees Heffer and switches on the brakes but Heffer grabs the train and pulls it off the tracks sending passengers tumbling out the windows to their deaths as lifts the train car over her head]

[A Nearby Officer races to a phone booth and calls it in.]

Officer: "Heffer's on 17th and Wynkoop near Grand Central Station send the riot squad."

[The riot police roll out of the precinct in cars and motorcycles and roll up to the scene where Heffer is still holding the train car over her head. They open fire with Tommy Guns and rifles. but the bullets only enrage Heffer who throws the car at the police killing everyone inside as well as most of the police as it hits the ground and careens through the blockade. Heffer beats her chest with anger and storms off uprooting a street lamp and bending it like a toothpick before continuing her rampage.]

[Back at the Brown Palace Hotel Wendy is packing feverishly while Stan and Kyle look out the window at the mass panic in the streets]

Stan: "Dude I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that we're going to be grounded for at least a month for this."

Kyle: "Yeah we're pretty much screwed when our parents find out."

Wendy: [still packing] "It's okay everything is going to be okay a mild incident on opening night we'll do better when we go on tour."

[The radio delivers a sudden bulletin]

Casey: "We interrupt this program to bring you an urgent news bulletin Heffer is now rampaging through downtown Denver. The beast escaped earlier during the opening of her show and is now running loose in the city. So far 182 are dead and thousands injured and the word on everyone else's lips are where is that no good bitch Wendy Testaburger and how can we sue her limb from limb."

Wendy: "IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT!"

Casey: "Yes it is!"

[Wendy's open with shock. Slowly she reaches over and unplugs the radio before going back to her packing]

[Meanwhile In Cartman's room Cartman paces back and forth nervously while Butters sits on the bed.]

Cartman: "She's not gonna stop looking till she finds me she won't rest until I'm her ladyjizz covered sponge of a sexual plaything again!" [He takes a swig of apple juice and throws the glass at the wall] Not Again! I'm never going back up their again do you hear me?"

Butters: "I hear you Eric."

Cartman: "Shut up Butters!"

Butters: "Okay."

Cartman: "It's okay I just need to take a bubble bath and everything will be fine."

[He goes into the bathroom and locks the door before undressing and turning on the bath]

Cartman: [Singing] "Times have changed and we've often unwound the clock since the puritans got a shock when they landed at Plymouth Rock."

[Meanwhile outside Heffer climbs up a building she spots Oliver Hardy and Stan Laurel are in a room painting the walls. Laurel notices her and tries to tell Hardy by grabbing his shirt causing him to fall face first into a bucket of paint.]

Hardy: [Spits the paint out and wipes his face off "What is it Stan?"

Laurel: [Tries to stutter out a sentence but gets tongue tied.]

Hardy: "I don't have time for your shenanigans get back to work."

Laurel: "B-b-bu-bu-bu-but Oliver!"

Hardy: "I told you I don't have time for your ..ga...AHHHH!"

[Heffer reaches for Hardy knocking Laurel into a scaffold full of paint buckets and drags him out of the window. She studies him and realizes he's not Cartman.]

Hardy: "Look j-just let me go!" [Heffer drops him to the street.] "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" [He hits the ground with a bloody splat.]

[Heffer climbs to the top of the building where she hears Cartman singing from the Brown Palace.]

Cartman: [Faintly singing] "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking but now God knows anything goes. Good authors too who once knew better words now only use four letter words writing prose Anything goes."

[She climbs down the building not noticing Stan Laurel looking down at Oliver's splattered corpse on the pavement.]

Laurel: "Oh Oliver you were too beautiful for this world. I'm coming buddy!" [He jumps out the window to his death while Heffer continues climbing down the building not noticing him.]

[Heffer climbs down the street and looks around. She lifts her foot to see that she has stepped in Laurel and Hardy and wipes her foot on the pavement. She then looks around and sees a flower shop and a candy store and thinks to herself putting her finger on her lip while looking up. Suddenly she gets an idea. She stomps over to the candy shop smashes the front window gets down on her knees leans in and proceeds to pig out on chocolate. Outside the sign that reads over 10,000 served starts to go up to 20,000 then 30 40 then 50 then 60 70 80 90 100 200 300 400 500 600 700 800 900 1 million 5 million 10 million 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 then to SLOW DOWN ON THE CHOCOLATES YOU FAT MOCHA BITCH YOUR LITERALLY AS BIG AS A HOUSE! then finally to out of stock. Heffer leans out now with a full buddha belly and a face covered in chocolate and belches.]

Heffer: "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

[All over the city glass shatters street lamps go out and people's eyes water. Up in Cartman's room plaster falls from the ceiling and lands in the bathtub.]

Cartman: "What the hell was that?" [He looks out the window just in time for Heffer to see him and hold up a handful of several hundred bouquets of flowers in her hand.] "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[Heffer begins climbing the Brown palace while Cartman quickly climbs out of the tub,throws on his robe and rushes for the door.]

Cartman: [Fumbles with the knob] "Come on come on open you stupid door!" [He puts his feet into it but the knob comes loose sending him flying into the tub just as Heffer sees him] "AHHHH YOU GUYS SHE'S HERE AND SHE'S BEEN EATING BLACK PEOPLE!"

[Authors Note no offense to black people.]

[Butters bursts into the room]

Butters: "Eric!" [He rushes to help him but is knocked aside by Heffer's hand]

[Heffer grabs the tub and pulls it out the window with a soaking wet Cartman still inside.]

Cartman: "P-pl-please Heffer I'm still in my robes!"

[The She beast giggles and climbs down from the building as the others rush in to see what's happened]

Cartman: "YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY HELP ME!" [Heffer plucks him out of the bathtub and drops it on the street before lumbering off into the streets of Downtown Denver."

Wendy: [Watches Heffer leave] "Great that tub's coming out of our hotel room bill."

[Heffer strolls through downtown Denver with Cartman tight in her hand as I'm confessing my love for you by Rudy Vallee plays in the back ground. She skips and twirls dreamily lost in the happiness of the moment trampling cars and people to death in an orgy of death destruction and romance. Cartman on the other looks ready to shit himself in fear.]

Man: [Crunch] "ARRRGHH!"

Woman: "OH MY GOD!"" [Squish"]

Cartman: [trembling in fear] "H-Hey Heffer how have you been Honey?"

[Heffer looks down him dreamily and holds up several hundred bouquets that she took from the flower shop.]

Cartman: "Oh thank you your too kind. [He smells them in order to appease her.] "Oh they smells so beautiful

[Heffer giggles and hands them to him while she fishes something out of her bra, Several smashed up boxes of chocolates.]

Cartman: "Oh Chocolates oh Heffer you shouldn't have." [He nervously takes a piece of chocolate out and eats it.] Oh my favorite kind!]

[Heffer smiles and pulls him in close for a kiss.]

Cartman: "No no no Heffer baby I need my personal space I need your face about 5 feet away no no no...[She smooches him covering him in chocolate.] "ARGH! MY ROBES! YOU GOT CHOCOLATE ALL OVER MY ROBES!"

[Heffer giggles and reaches for the belt of his robe.]

Cartman: "NO NOT MY ROBE NOT MY ROBE!" [But Heffer pulls the belt off between her fingers and his robe falls off revealing Cartman's nudity. Both of them blush bright red Heffer from arousal and Cartman from embarrassment.]

[Heffer proceeds to kiss Cartman all over]

Cartman: "No no I don't want to be covered in chocolate." [But keep kissing she does on his tummy on his ass on his privates she even licks his feet with her tongue leaving him covered completely in chocolate.] "This Can't possibly get any worse!"

[At that moment the police arrive and surround the monstrous mocha amazon with cars vans and spotlights which they shine on her.]

[Heffer groans and covers her face]

Murphy: "Alright whats the scoop?"

Yates: "We have her surrounded but she's holding a little black boy in her hand."

Murphy "So whats the problem?"

Yates: "The department can't afford to lose him we've got Duke Ellington Louis Armstrong and Red Allen all in lockup and we worked really hard to frame those black men. If we get a little black boy killed then all their hard work will go right down the toilet."

[Heffer looks up to see the Wells Fargo building.]

Yates: "What's she doing?"

[Heffer begins climbing the building.]

Yates: "Attention all cars attention all cars! [The scene cuts to the police station where Stan, Kyle, Butters and Wendy are sitting. Wendy seems like she doesn't want to be here.] "Heffer is climbing the Wells Fargo Building."

Wendy: "Stupid hotel manager I wasn't bill jumping I was just going to the bank."

Stan: "Well Wendy I the bellhop had a point you shouldn't have tried to grab the officers gun."

Officer: "Well that's it we got her trapped but their no way we get to her now."

[Kyle looks out the window to see Heffer climbing the building]

Kyle: "Wait a minute...Officers I have an idea that I think might work."

Officer: "What is it little boy?"

Kyle: "Airplanes If she puts Cartman down we can take her out."

Officer: "My God that's just crazy enough to work Orville call the field!"

[Cuts to a shot of the field where Stan, Kyle, Wendy and Butters board several planes and take off. On board Wendy checks her camera.]

Wendy: "Hopefully I'll be able to get at least something good out of this."

Stan: "Wendy I need you manning the machine gun remember?"

Wendy: "Stan this may be my last chance to get something for my AP class."

Stan: "Wendy hundreds of people are dead there's millions of dollars in damage and...[She pecks him on the cheek.] "Right away!"

Kyle: "Heads up you two I can see Heffer."

[Heffer has climbed to the top of the Wells Fargo Building and is sitting on top with Cartman in the palm of her hand.]

Cartman: [Looks down and looks up at Heffer who smiles at him.] "Oh Wow Heffer the Wells Fargo Building, what a view! Gee this sure is a great surprise, flowers, candy you sweeping me off my feet and now this?" [While Cartman is sweet talking Heffer his mind is racing trying to think of a way out of this.]

Cartman Thinking: [Nervously] "Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God! So high up whatever you do don't look down don't look down don't look down ." [He looks down showing a POV shot from the top of the building to the street.] "Oh My God Oh my God I'm looking down I got to get down from here I got to think of something here."]

Cartman: [Looks up at her with adorable kitten eyes suddenly he hears something.] "What's that sound?"

[Heffer also looks up to see a squadron of airplanes closing in toward them.]

Stan: "She's seen us!"

Wendy: "I'm rolling camera!"

Butters: [looking through binoculars] "I can see Eric he's in her hand, and he's naked and black for some reason."

Kyle: "Give me those!" [Takes the binoculars]

Cartman: "Hey get me down from here!" [He waves his arms up and down like a monkey.]

Kyle: [Looks through the binoculars at him] "That fat racist bastard!" [Puts down the binoculars and takes aim at him through the machine gun.] "Eat lead!" [Kyle opens fire at Cartman]

Cartman: "AY DON'T SHOOT ME SHOOT HER SHOOT HER!"

[Several bullets strike Heffer's arm causing her to cry out in pain and drop Cartman who catches the front of her bikini top.]

Cartman: "Oh please God not in there again anything but there!"

[He looks up to see the planes coming in for a second pass and then down to see the street and spotlights below.]

"AHHH HEFFER GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!"

[Heffer looks down at him and picks him up in her other hand and places him in one of her cups.]

"EY I SAID GET ME DOWN NOT PUT ME IN YOUR BRA!"

[The planes swoop down and open fire on them causing Cartman to grab onto her breast tightly with his hands and feet for dear life. He suckles on her nipple like a frightened child]

[Heffer suddenly blushes and looks down into her top She sees Cartman and makes an epic Squee face complete with a heart]

Stan: "What's she doing to Cartman?"

Wendy: [Looks thru the camera and turns flush red with embarrassment and leans over the side to puke.]

Cartman: "I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR I WANNA GO HOME I WANNA GO HOME I WANNA GO HOME! I MISS MY MR KITTY I MISS POLLY PRISSY PANTS AND PETER PANDA AND MUSCLEMAN MARK AND CLYDE FROG AND RUMPLETUMPSKIN! [He breaks down sobbing into Heffer's breast in between sucking her teat.]

[Another plane an X Wing swoops in for an attack but this time Heffer is prepared]

Pilot: "This is Porkins I'm going in"

[The plane swoops in guns blazing but Heffer jumps up and grabs it.]

Porkins: "I got a problem here!"

[Heffer looks him in the eye menacingly]

Stan: "Porkins bail out!"

[She shakes up the plane.]

Porkins: "I can hold it"

Kyle: "Get out of there!"

[Heffer winds up and tosses Porkins plane like a paper airplane]

Porkins: "YAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!"

[Porkins goes sailing right into the Republic Plaza building where it explodes.]

Stan and Kyle: "PORKINS!"

Butters: "They killed Porkins!"

Stan: "They killed Porkins"

Redneck flying the other plane: "DERKA DUR!"

Other Redneck flying the other other plane: "Derka Dur!"

[The planes begin their final assault on Heffer spraying bullets at her hitting her in the stomach, arms and legs. Blood pours from her wounds as she stumbles to her knees trying to stand up straight.]

Stan: "She's wounded I think we got her!"

[Heffer clutches her stomach wound tightly and looks down at Eric who's covered in her blood trembling. Maternal instincts kicking in Heffer roars with rage and rises to her feet beating her breasts with rage.]

Wendy: "Uh I don't think so Stan."

Butters: "Oh Hamburgers she looks really sore at us guys."

Redneck flying the other plane: "LET'S GIT ERR! [He swoops in for another dive] FOR PORRRRKINNNNNNNS!"

Other Redneck flying the other other plane: "DERRRRKAAAAA DERRRRRRRR!"

[The planes dive in for another attack only for Heffer to swat them both from the sky with no effort]

Redneck flying the other plane: SHE BROUGHT US DOWN!" [He crashes into the ground and explodes

Other Redneck flying the other other plane: "DERRRRRKAAAAA DERRRRRRRRRRRR!" [He also crashes and explodes]

Kyle: "Well looks like it's up to us."

Butters: "Aw does it have to be I mean it doesn't have to be us does it."

Kyle: "We brought that wild beast into civilization it's up to us to her out."

[The planes swoop in for one last dive bomb]

Butters: [Prays in his seat] "Jesus please protect this biplane and the crew who pilots this plane and please keep our bellies full of delicious yum yums."

[The planes swoop in on Heffer who beats her chest with fury while Cartman having lost every shred of dignity he had has reduced himself to trembling breast feeding baby boy covered in chocolate.]

[The grand finale is about to begin Man vs Nature Machine against Monster, Heffer's foot vs that banana peel someone left on the roof. Heffer suddenly slips on the aforementioned peel and before you can say cop out she falls off the top of the building]

[Up in the air the boys can't believe their eyes.]

Kyle: "THE FUCK!"

Butters: "Is it over? Are we in Heaven?" [He peers out to see] "Aw nope."

[Inside Heffer's bikini top Cartman hangs onto Heffer's breast for dear life]

Cartman: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[On the ground the two rednecks pick themselves up dust themselves up]

Other Redneck: "Whew That was close Earl!"

Earl: "Yeah Bubba we came this to biting the big one."

[They both see a growing shadow and look up to see Heffer falling toward them]

Bubba: "Oh Shit!"

[Heffer hits the ground with splat landing on Earl and Bubba as well as several other citizens]

Yates: "Ooo I bet that's going to hurt."

[Later as the crowds gather around Heffer's lifeless body.]

Wendy: "Excuse me coming through pardon me." [She shoves her way to the front] "What did I miss?"

Jack: "Well for a start they should have cordoned off the street as soon as she started climbing the building then all these innocent people wouldn't have gotten squished second they shouldn't have...POW! [Wendy cuts him off with a blow to the groin]

Casey: "Well Testaburger it looks like the airplanes got her."

Wendy: "No Casey It wasn't the airplanes it was klutzyness killed the beast."

[All of a sudden Heffer's top starts to move around.]

Casey: "What the hell is that?"

Yates: "Everybody stay back!"

[Cartman stumbles out of her top dazed confused and naked]

Stan: "Cartman? [tries hard not to laugh]

Kyle: [Doesn't try at all and falls down holding his sides as tears stream from his eyes]

[The photographers all start taking pictures as the crowd joins in laughing at Cartman. Blinded by the flashing light he stumbles and rolls down Heffer's stomach and into her loincloth again.]

Cartman: "UGHHHHHHH!" [Suddenly without warning Heffer lets out a massive queef like an elephant sneezing] "HABA RARRRRGGHH!"

Crowd: "EEEWWWWWWWWW!"

Yates: I think I'm gonna be sick BLEAGH!"

[Suddenly Heffer's chest slowly starts moving up and down.]

Kyle: "She's still breathing."

Yates: "Riot Squad prepare the fire!" [The officers raise their guns]

Wendy: "No wait don't shoot!"

Yates: "Miss Testaburger I'm gonna have to ask you to step aside this creature is a dangerous menace."

Wendy: "No Sergeant Yates this is all my fault."

[The crowd stands in shock]

Wendy: "You see I learned something today I was so obsessed with getting a passing grade that I put everyone else's life at risk. I took this creature from her home put her on show and for what just so I could rub it in Craig Tucker's stupid face?"

[Craig flips her off from the crowd]

Wendy: "Yes Craig I deserve it the real menace isn't Heffer it's me and you'll all give me a chance I know I can set everything right."

[The crowd slowly erupts into applause]

Morgan Freeman: [Narrating] "And so after being treated for her injuries Queen Heffer was sent home to Mocha Island to live out the rest of her days."

[Shows a Bandaged Heffer sitting on the deck of the ship as it sails for Mocha Island. She holds Cartman in her hand who looks at her very annoyed like]

Morgan Freeman: "Wendy eventually presented her work as a message about the danger of making nature documentaries. Her work was so successful that Wendy eventually ended up ladyjacking it on a street in San Diego with Stan.

[Shows well you know.]

Morgan Freeman: "Kyle and Butters returned to Mocha Island to recover the remains of their fallen friends and eventually wound up getting snu snu from the natives"

[Shows Kyle and Butters in a native hospital with Amazon Bebe and Amazon Lexus]

Morgan Freeman: "They eventually got married and had kids at the cost of their ability to walk."

[Shows Kyle and Butters changing some really big diapers.]

Morgan Freeman: "As for Cartman he spent the rest of his days living happily in the jungle with Heffer as her pet/baby/boy toy/sex toy/

[Cuts To Heffer bathing under a waterfall with Cartman. He stands on her shoulders scrubbing her back with a long brush as she shampoo's her hair.]

Morgan Freeman: "And so ends the story of the Mighty Queen Heffer the Eighth Wonder of The World"

[Heffer rinses her hair causing Cartman to slip and fall into her cleavage]

Cartman: [Muffled] "ARGH HEFFA SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT SERIOUSLY GET ME OUT OF HEYAH!"

Heffer: [Giggles and presses her breasts together bouncing them up and down]

Cartman: [Muffled] ARGH END ALREADY END!"

[The Screen iris zooms down to Cartman's ass as the THE END Appears] 

THE END

A Rockhead 1989 production

The Players

Wendy Testaburger as the Ambitious Director

Stan Marsh as the Drunk Sea Captain

Kyle Broflovski as the Intrepid Jew

Eric Cartman as the Beasts Boy Toy

Butters as the incompetent cameraman

Kenny Mccormick as the Guy that gets eaten by the Beast.

Tweek Tweak, Ze Mole, Clyde Donovan, Token Black, Kevin Stoley, Jimmy Valmer, Timmy Burch and Dogpoo Petuski as the Crew

Casey Miller Jack Brolin and Tom Pusslicker as the Reporters.

Bebe Stevens as the Amazon Queen.

And featuring the South Park 4th Grade Girls as the Amazon Tribe.

Red

Annie

Heidi

Nicole

Lola

Millie

Jenny

Tammy

Sally

And Lisa Berger

Randy and Sharon Marsh as a walk on cameo.

Bubba and Earl as the Redneck pilots

Jek Porkins as himself

Oliver Hardy and Stan Laurel as themselves

Jeffery from Fat Camp as Cartman's double

The Loch Ness Monster as himself

The T Rex Pteranodon and Stegosaurus as themselves

And Queen Heffer as the 8th Wonder of the World

A Rockhead 1989 production

Krista "Heffer" Scott is the intellectual property of Ask Heffer.

South Park and all characters are property of Trey Parker and Matt Stone and Comedy Central and Viacom.

This is a non profit Fan Fiction please support the official series

If you try to steal any of these I will break into your house and eat your puppy alive! 


End file.
